I had an epiphany last night. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Epiphanies are always bittersweet. I would consider myself to be a pretty self aware person, most of the time, at least enough to realize that I really don’t know myself very well at all. Just when I think I have myself figured out, I’m surprised by new thoughts and discoveries about who I am and what dictates and shapes my actions and emotions. It’s interesting and refreshing to learn new things about myself. I’ve known myself for 23 years and I still don’t really know myself at all. It’s weird when you think of it in that way. You meet someone and feel like you fully know them after a few years, but how can that be possible if you don’t even truly know yourself? Do we ever fully know ourselves? Or do we lay on our death beds still having realizations that had never occurred to us before?
Tarzan and I took GHB last night. It was my first time taking it. We had the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life. I don’t think it’s possible for sex to get better than that. It lasted a full two hours. Our sex is already on a higher level than I imaged possible. He is so passionate and affectionate. He’s gentle and caring. He doesn’t have sex, he makes love. Every single time. It’s almost unreal. When he looks at me, I can feel him staring into my soul. We have such a strong physical and mental connection. It’s undeniable. We both feel it. I don’t feel the need to say it out loud or ask him if he’s feeling the same way; I can feel him feel it.
Last night, while all my senses were heightened, we made love on his living room floor. He laid me down as we were both fully naked. He opened my legs and entered me. For the first time ever, I was speechless. I couldn’t moan or talk. The feeling was so overwhelming that I was almost paralyzed in speech. He was quiet, as well. We just melted into each other. It felt as though his entire body was inside of me. I could feel his soul. There was so much depth behind his eyes. He is such an incredible human being. I’ve never met someone like him before. I’ve never looked into someone’s eyes and seen so many layers that are all pure and good. I teared up. I couldn’t even hold back. I don’t know if he noticed or not. His movements inside of me were very slow. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even move at all. He didn’t need to. I didn’t orgasm like I usually do because every movement felt like an orgasm – mentally and physically. Touching his skin made even my fingertips feel good. My whole body was sensitive to the slightest touch. My body movements were fluid and sensual. I was moving around him as if I were dancing, rather than changing positions. I didn’t overthink anything and my mind didn’t wander because there was nowhere I would have rather been. I had no thoughts at all except what I was feeling in that very moment. What I was feeling was him…all of him. I kissed his chest down to his dick and made out with it. I wasn’t viewing his dick as his genitals. It didn’t feel like a chore. I wasn’t doing it to please him, but to please myself; to feel his soft penis skin on my tongue. My mouth derived so much pleasure from having him inside of it. I didn’t feel like I was performing for him. I didn’t make eye contact with him. I was so fully immersed in kissing every inch of his cock. I glided my body into a position so that my butt was facing him and my hands were on each side of his body, propping me up. I started sucking him off, while moving my spine in circular motions to the rhythm of the the Disclosure song, “You & Me.” I was so connected to the music and to him. I was so into it, truly savouring every second he was in my mouth. I could tell he was in pure ecstasy with me. I then straddled him and slowly descended onto his body. I could feel every centimeter of him in such detail. I positioned myself so that my feet were flat on the ground, on both sides of his body, while my hands felt his soft chest hair and skin. We gazed into each others eyes while I moved my body up and down on him. While he was looking into my eyes he said, “You’re an amazing person. Such a woman. You’re a goddess.” It was so genuine. I smiled, not saying a word. It was the best compliment I had ever received. It was something I’ve strived so hard to be: a powerful sexual entity. Then, I laid flat on my stomach with my legs together and my ass facing upwards. He entered me from behind and began thrusting at a faster pace. Again, I was unable to make noise but my eyes rolled back into my head. He wet his finger and inserted it into my ass. I didn’t think it could get any better, but it did. My hands reached out and grabbed the fluffy white carpet beneath me. I couldn’t stop clawing at the carpet. My hands moved furiously as if I was trying to tear through the floor. He said, “I can feel it. I can feel my own finger with my dick.” He thrust harder back and forth. I almost couldn’t handle it. And then we both climaxed. He pulled out and released himself onto my back. I could feel every individual drop of his warm liquid. It enhanced my orgasm by just that much. It was truly magical.
We were taking in what had just occurred when he said, “I understand why you do [as a sex worker] what you do now. You truly are a sex goddess. It’s just who you are as a person. It’s so genuine and powerful and real.” It got me thinking about when I first became this sexual. I’ve always been somewhat of a nudist. My mom would chase me around the house at age two because I wouldn’t keep my clothes or diaper on. I loved being naked. I had my first crush when I was three or four. I loved men. It could have been the lack of a father figure and not ever feeling love from that gender. I realized at a very young age that sex appeal is a very powerful tool. I never wanted to be called “cute” or “pretty.” “Beautiful” was okay, but I wanted people to find me “sexy.” That’s the word I wanted people to use to describe me. Sex is universal. It doesn’t matter what country you live in, what language you speak, what ethnicity you are, it has men falling to their knees. That is the only time they are completely powerless. I realized that’s why I’ve always had such a strong desire and fascination with all things sex related. Because it’s the most powerful tool you can have. It’s the most common advertisement tool in the media. Whether you are religious, believe it’s immoral, or judge women in the sex industry, they hold power. They control very intimate feelings within people. Maybe that’s why some people are opposed to it. They fear the loss of control over their emotions and know that we are all vulnerable to the power of sex appeal.